my 100th post

since I killed this blog for a while. well, this post is going to be everything but celebratory.

I was just thinking, maybe the problem of it all is just me. It's just how I've become as a result of everything that has happened. And as much as I try to just suck it all up, and pretend it's all ok, it's not. Because I am just pretending. I am just telling myself it's ok. sometimes I am convinced, other times I am not. and other times, i just need time to be convinced. But then I tell myself again, what's there not to be convinced about?

sigh.


i am such a mess. that's why i say maybe at the root of it all, the problem lies in me. you basically dont have to and din have to do anything.


sigh.


i want to believe. i really want to, but so many times, things come in and waver that decision to want to believe. i still do and will eventually, but it's a very very fragile believe that i'm going by sometimes. and guess what, the part i hate most, is having find out about things myself. things that i feel i should have known.

nevermind.


maybe at the end of it all, i am just not significant enough. at least not now. well, maybe this is one of the reasons contributing that 'myth/belief/heresay" or whatever about a particular year in university life. and talking to my friends about something like this before, according to them 'it's just a phase'. i am really hoping with everything that i have that this is just a phase. because i dont know if i will manage to last through it.